Making Orlando Couples Last with RLT
You finally get your partner to admit you’re right. Now what? Do you feel closer? Do they feel safe opening up to you? Or did you win the argument and create more distance?
After more than 10 years in coaching, I’ve watched people desperately want connection while doing things that push it away. They want to feel heard, so they get louder. They want reassurance, so they try to control. They want their partner to understand their hurt, so they hurt them back. And then they wonder why nothing changes. That’s a big part of why I recently completed Level 1 training in Relational Life Therapy, or RLT, a relationship model created by Terry Real. I wanted more tools to help people see the patterns they’re living insideand take responsibility for changing them.
Why RLT caught my attention
Early in my work, I learned the importance of neutrality, building trust, and making room for each person’s experience. I still value those things. I’ve also always believed in holding clients accountable.
But over time, I noticed how easily a session could become another place to defend the same behavior. We could spend an hour talking about how hurt someone felt without getting honest enough about what they were doing with that hurt. Especially when one partner was overpowering the other.
If someone is using anger, pressure, or control to get their way, talking only about their intentions misses the impact. Their pain deserves care. Their behavior needs attention. I wanted to get better at saying, “I understand why this is hard for you. And I need you to see how the way you’re handling it is hurting your relationship.” That combination of compassion and accountability is what drew me to RLT.
Making the pattern visible
One RLT concept that resonates with me is “joining through the truth”: building connection with someone while being honest about the behavior getting in their way. In my language, it’s making the implicit explicit. Bringing the thing nobody is saying into the conversation so we can actually work with it.
It might sound like: “You’re telling me you want your partner to open up. But when they tell you something you don’t like, you argue with their experience. What happens to their willingness to be honest with you?” That’s a different conversation than debating who started the fight.
I want to help clients recognize their own moves in the cycle. The more one pushes, the more the other pulls away. The more they pull away, the harder the first person pushes. Seeing that pattern gives us something concrete to interrupt. It also doesn’t mean responsibility is automatically equal. We have to look honestly at what each person is doing.
Who’s reacting: your adaptive child or your wise adult?
RLT uses the term “adaptive child” for the part of us that learned ways to protect ourselves growing up. Maybe you learned to get loud to be heard. Maybe you became agreeable because disagreement felt risky. Maybe you shut down because showing feelings never went well.
Those responses have a history. Understanding that history can bring some much-needed grace. But we also have to ask: Is this response helping you build the relationship you want today?
I want to use this awareness to help clients catch themselves sooner. “What am I reacting to? What story am I telling myself? What would the adult in me choose here?” You can feel rejected and still speak respectfully. You can be disappointed and still make a request. You can need a break and communicate when you’ll return. That takes practice, especially when your old response feels automatic.
Better communication starts before the next sentence
Another concept I’m bringing into my relationship coaching is relational mindfulness: pausing long enough to remember the relationship before reacting. Because in a heated moment, it’s easy to forget that the person in front of you is someone you want to feel close to.
I want clients to practice noticing that moment before they send the text, raise their voice, or make the cutting comment. Ask yourself: “What am I hoping will happen after I say this?” If you want understanding, will this help them understand you? If you want closeness, will this make it easier to come toward you?
From there, we can practice clearer requests. Instead of “You never make time for me,” try, “I miss you. Can we plan an evening together this week?” A request gives your partner something specific to respond to. It also leaves room for their answer. You don’t get to turn a request into a demand because you’re disappointed.
How I want to use RLT in my coaching
Having completed Level 1, I’m beginning to integrate these concepts into my work with individuals and couples: identifying unhealthy relationship patterns, practicing communication skills, strengthening boundaries, and taking responsibility for repair. Sometimes that means helping someone speak up. Sometimes it means helping them listen without defending themselves. Sometimes it means getting honest about how their need to be right is costing them connection.
Insight matters, but I want us to get specific. What will you do differently the next time you feel dismissed? How will you handle a no? What does your apology look like when it’s followed by changed behavior? That’s why I pursued this training. I want to help people turn awareness into something they can use at home, in the conversation they usually avoid, and in the moment they would normally lose themselves.
You can love someone and still have habits that hurt them. Getting honest about those habits gives you somewhere to begin. If you’re ready to look at your part and practice a different way of relating, individual or couples coaching with Dina Brady Coaching is a place to start.
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