You’re Not God, You Can’t Change Their Heart
Yesterday, my friend called spiraling.
She was in obsession, ruminating over someone else’s manipulative behavior, replaying their choices, trying to “figure them out,” even hoping she could change their heart.
And let’s be real: we’ve all been here.
Sometimes we’re not just trying to understand someone, we’re silently hoping that if we love them enough, show them the truth, or explain it the right way, so we can CHANGE how they behave. We want them to take responsibility! We want them to soften. To wake up. To love us better!
But here’s the deal:
We have no idea what humans need at this specific time on their journey, and it’s not up to us, it’s up to them. Last time I checked neither of us were God and when I can pause and remember it’s not up to me, I can lean into what matters, my own behaviors and values. Fixing people steals their experience and it’s controlling, indicating you (or I) know everything.
The real question is: What do you need to release control of? What’s really going on? (ouch)
We Can’t Change People’s Hearts — And It’s Not Our Job
Let this sink in:
We don’t have the power to change someone else’s heart.
Even when it’s frustrating. Even when it hurts. Even when their behavior affects us.
Even when they are acting out!
But. . .
we DO have control over something far more powerful. . .ourselves!
Our thoughts. Our boundaries. Our nervous system. Our response. Our energy.
Obsession Is Often a Distraction from Our Own Work
When we’re hyper-focused on someone else’s dysfunction, it usually means we’ve disconnected from ourself!
Instead of asking, “What do I need right now?” we’re over analyzing their every move. Instead of regulating our body, we’re chasing their emotional approval.
It’s not about them, it’s about our need for safety, certainty, and control. Obsession is just a more socially acceptable form of fear.
A Grounding Tool: Come Back to Your Values
If you catch yourself in the spiral (my husband calls it “ obsessy bear”) you notice you are trying to fix someone, decode them, or win them over, this is a signal to pause and return to yourself.
The “Return to Self” Reset
Pause and Name It
➤ “I’m obsessing. I’m trying to change someone I have no control over.”Reconnect to Your Values
➤ Ask: What kind of person do I want to be right now?
➤ Choose a value — peace, clarity, integrity, courage — and act from it.Say the Grounding Mantra
➤ “I’m not God. I can’t change their heart. But I can return to mine.”Reclaim Your Energy
➤ Literally say it: “I call my energy back from what I can’t control.”
Living in Peace Is a Daily Decision
It doesn’t happen by accident, especially when your nervous system is used to walking on eggshells, scanning for danger, or over-functioning to earn love.
But here’s what I know:
Peace is possible. Boundaries are sacred. And values are your compass.
You don’t have to change anyone’s heart to feel safe.
You don’t have to figure them out to feel okay.
You just have to come home to yourself.
Side Note: If others are unwilling to do the work you can decide they are not for you.
If You Needed to Hear This Too…
If your heart is heavy from trying to make someone else “get it,” I want to offer you a simple truth:
They may never change.
But you can.
And that’s enough to change your whole life.
🌀
If you’re ready to stop spiraling in other people’s chaos and finally live ROOTED in your own truth, I’m here. Coaching is where we rebuild trust with ourselves. Message me or book a call.
#boundariesarebeautiful #codependencyrecovery #youareenough #spiritualgrowth #livenotfix #emotionalregulation #healingjourney #peaceoverpeoplepleasing #orlandolifecoach
